Two

The challenge of having two children, I have figured out, is that at all times, either one or both has a need, so you never really have a break. Either both need something RIGHT NOW, or you get one settled and then the other one needs something. It's an endless cycle. The good news is, I can see that it will (should) get easier as each child gets older, especially once Noah can sit up or go in an exersaucer.

Potty training
At this point we've pretty much abandoned potty training for the moment, because there's no way I'm putting an actively potty training toddler in a car for a long road trip. Far too risky. I will say that he's been far more successful with grandmas and at the church nursery than with me. With me, he'll just pee in his diaper, but apparently in other places he'll ask to go potty rather than pee in his diaper. Why, I have no idea. He still refuses to poop on the potty for anyone. I figure I'll try again in late October after vacation.

Preparing for Vacation
Speaking of, we're attempting a pretty major road trip in two weeks to go see my brother in Virginia and stop at a few places along the way. I think I have a pretty good packing system figured out that involves lots of plastic bins and labeling. I think that the best way to do things is to break the driving up into segments with fun stops along the way, but Jason thinks that plowing through would be better. I guess we'll find out soon enough!!

Remember

I feel like I should at least write SOMETHING about the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I have not much felt like thinking about or commemorating the anniversary. The only mainstream media coverage I've tolerated, other than watching a little of the original media footage from that day (As it Happened) is NPR's, because they took a really different approach focusing on 9/11's effects on arts and culture. For me, thinking back, the event created in me a feeling of "alive-ness" that I'd never experienced before, of thankfulness for the beautiful clear September days we had that year, for family, for friends, for love, for all that the world could offer me and all that was good in the world. But even more so, a feeling of interconnectedness and synchronicity. Over time, through the banalities of life, intense feelings like this tend to ebb away. I went back through my computer files to see if I could put myself back to that time in my life. 

I found the lyrics to "Turn, Turn, Turn" by the Byrds/originally from Ecclesiastes. Incidentally I just saw on Wikipedia that Rudy Giuliani read these same words today as part of the remembrance ceremony, so I guess they're poignant to more people than just me. 

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

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I found this piece, unfortunately without an attribution, though I could probably find one if I tried:

THE GEOGRAPHY OF HOPE The seasonal cycles of the natural world go on, undeterred by the havoc around them. 

For proof of nature’s healing power one need only read accounts of how Americans instinctively flocked to urban gardens, mountain overlooks, forested trails and ocean shores in the wake of the terrorist attacks, seeking refuge from an anguish that was all consuming. In those places they found the solace and spiritual renewal that only nature can bring. The novelist Wallace Stegner wrote that as human beings we need wild places available to us as a way of reassuring ourselves of our sanity as creatures. Calling this sense of connection to the natural world part of the “geography of hope,” Stegner evoked the eternal rhythms of which we are all a part. 

Exposure to the natural world has been shown to be therapeutic by alleviating stress and promoting health. The medical community has long known about the healing power of nature, which is why healing gardens are cropping up in medical centers across the country. Healthcare providers understand that flowers, trees and running water can create an oasis for those facing the trauma of a debilitating disease or the loss of a loved one.

As Americans look for spiritual renewal, emotional healing, or time to reflect on how our country will rebound from this national tragedy, many are turning to Mother Nature. Wildlife and wild places — whether they are found in the mesas of the West, the grasslands of the Midwest, the Alleghenies or Adirondacks of the East, or the park down the street — are part of our strength as a nation, an indomitable part of our American heritage that is impervious to those who attempt to destroy our resolve. 

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I also found a journal I kept beginning on the 11th and continuing into the days immediately following, but it's intensely personal and I'd rather not share that here. Just suffice to say that I'm so glad I kept my own commemoration of that day that I can always turn back to in order to remember. 

Today at church the service (thankfully, in my opinion) was not overtly 9/11. We had a water service where everyone was asked to bring water that was meaningful to them in some way, from summer travels, etc. Then we came up in groups as East (renewal, sunrise), South (power, strength), West (a time of harvest or endings), and North (restfulness, self-care, wisdom). All of the water went into a collective bowl along with some water from last year's service and an empty bottle poured to show solidarity with those in the world who don't have access to safe clean water. We also had paper raindrops on which we wrote a few words and then posted on big sheets of paper.

I went with East and "new beginnings" though "birth and rebirth" might have been slightly more poetic. I could have easily gone up for the other three directions too. The meditation was to imagine ourselves as water- maybe a stream, an ocean, rain or teardrops but ultimately cycling through all of these forms. North bleeds into East, East into South, South into West, and West back into North.  There is a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to reap that which is planted. All things are interconnected. Remember and be thankful for the fragile world that we live in and our place in it. 

CEO to CFO (Chief Family Officer)

I got this quote in my google reader yesterday and it seemed apropos: 

“Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love.”

Mildred B. Vermont

This past week, after a month of agonizing debate, thought, and playing with the budget, I put in notice at my job. The word job is probably a misnomer, and putting in notice should probably be written more like "filed divorce papers." I had been with this organization for just over four and a half years and had seen it through planning, building, opening, nearly folding, and merging with a much larger organization. Much of the work I did there was at the cost of family time and mental/emotional energies. Being always on call took a big toll on both me and my relationship with Jason. The many times I told him I was leaving the office "in a second" left me a liar and him resentful. I went back to the office beginning 3 weeks post c-section after Nathan and have never REALLY forgiven myself for it.

I would come home stressed, angry, worried about the 25 or so families I was responsible for, etc. The commute was almost an hour each way (more if I had to go pick up Nathan). It just never ended. The only vacations I truly enjoyed were ones where we went on a cruise and I didn't have cell or email access. Yes, the money was great, but the "price" I paid was great as well. 

I give all the above information to say that despite my fears about being a "stay at home mom," fears about my budget, and fears of boredom, I will be spending the next 8 months without a "real job." I'll be pursuing consulting to a limited extent so that I can still feel productive, like I'm helping others, and make a bit of money on the side, but my primary job will be caring for my family. And here's the crazy thing: I'm reaping the benefits already! Not only do I feel 10 pounds lighter, but Jason has noticeably responded already (shhhh, this is a massive secret!)- He's actually holding my hand, being very affectionate, thoughtful, etc. The countless fights over his lack of affection towards me- evaporated. How ironic!

I still plan to attend nursing school in May, the beginning of a long term shift to family first (I/we had no intent of me staying home indefinitely, the timing just worked out because I had planned to leave my job for school anyways). So stay tuned for a different sort of blog, as I deal with new and different kinds of challenges! :)

3 (almost 4) weeks

My google calendar tasks list has gone from looking something like this:

- finish Bank of America grant app

- write Board email

- update resident handbook

to looking more like this:

- laundry

- dishes

- update mint.com

This is neither a positive nor a negative, just a stark contrast between my two lives. At this point in Nathan's life (3 weeks), I was headed back to the office a few days a week. Now, I'm just barely a third of the way through my planned maternity leave!

Nathan's been pretty interested in the whole breastfeeding process, including pumping (mommy's milk machine, he calls it), and so yesterday I taught him that making milk for baby Noah is mommy's special superpower. Maybe not 100% aboveboard, but I couldn't resist!

We continue to do battle over pooping on the potty. Yesterday, when Nathan told me he had to go, I tried to take a different (ok, slightly callous) approach. I stripped off his shorts and diaper and took him to the bathroom. Where he cried and screamed and didn't go for 20 minutes. I promised him ANYTHING he wanted (his requests were to go to the midwife's office and to the hospital, how weird is that??) but he still wouldn't go. I finally relented and gave him a diaper, and he went in that. Sigh. We are getting close to the days where we're just going to hang out in the backyard with no diaper all day until he gets the hang of it. As soon as my physical strength, intestinal fortitude, and the weather allow...