Happy Holidays!

With the holidays upon us and Nathan old enough to be asking questions, I have put a lot of thought into religion (and my approach to it) lately. I am actively trying to find ways to incorporate social justice underpinnings to all of the Jewish and Christian holidays so that I might teach them in that context as the boys grow older.

The one thing I'm NOT worried about is bastardizing our religions. After all, isn't that what different denominations and interpretations of the same book already do? I don't see it as any different that I would reframe messages and stories in a way that both honors Jason's and my respective cultures and avoids the "God" side of religion. 

I have decided that there is a fundamental difference between beliefs and values; values are core things that are ok to pass on to my kids- universal in nature. Beliefs are things that I personally might agree with but I'd rather my kids decide for themselves. So, I've decided that I will teach religious themes in the context of values only, not beliefs (teaching that Jesus was a person who worked for peace and justice teaches those values without other attribution, but I'll leave off the belief that he died for my sins, etc.). Also, I plan to teach the stories as parables rather than as if they actually happened. They can decide that for themselves. The UU church will allow me to do just that without breaking anyone's preconceived notion of whether I am "spiritual" or "religious" enough to be admitted. :)

Along with this line of thinking comes concerns about how I will answer questions of an existential nature- when I don't really know what answers I believe in myself:

How does one (will I) cope with the inevitable eventuality of  loss?

If bad things happen to good people, how do we go through life enjoying every moment and not being scared at the possibilities or limiting our experiences in order to protect ourselves or our children from potential harm?

What does it matter what good we do if, when we're gone, we're gone?

How do we accept that things are interconnected and interdependent while still acknowledging that our individual actions matter greatly? 

How do we reconcile our beliefs about fairness among all people and stewardship of the planet with our behavior?

I am overwhelmingly happy about the prospect of getting to teach Nathan and Noah some of the most important stuff they'll ever learn. At the same time, I'm unbelievably scared at being saddled with this pretty huge responsibility. I feel like I'd better get my own spiritual house in order before the questions start coming fast and furious. And with Nathan already asking lots of questions, and lots of precocious ones at that, I don't think it'll be too long. 

Before I finish up this post, I should add one thing. You'll notice that I haven't mentioned Jason's beliefs or desires in this matter. He's kind of aspiritual (yes, I know I made that word up). 


For me, having a child was spiritually awakening, because to care for someone as much as you care for your own child is a scary thing that demands a better working knowledge of how to let them grow without feeling compelled to lock them in a room forever just to keep them safe (and knowing deep down that even locking them up can't prevent tragedy), and also because no matter what you believe in, creating, birthing, and growing a child is a miracle. 


Jason, on the other hand, not only disavows any spiritual beliefs, but also doesn't seem to be searching for answers to the questions I've posed. He's just comfortable without having a grasp of where we go, how we deal, or why things happen. He has agreed to go to ONE service at the UU church with me, but I have no misconceptions about him joining. Really, I just want his seal of approval and his understanding of what Noah and Nathan will be raised in. 


So that's it, in a nutshell. Cara's guide to the holiday season. 

Growth spurt

Last week, Noah went through what is called a growth spurt (though I have LOTS of other names for it, not least of which is the-week-in-which-I-never-got-ANY-sleep). A growth spurt means basically that the baby wants to be fed every hour, day and night. This went on for about 6 days, and just when I was finally at my breaking point, he turned the corner and slept till 4 a.m. It was not only exhausting from a sleeplessness standpoint, it was emotionally trying because I was afraid that he was hungry because I wasn't making enough milk for him (really he's just eating more often to cue my body to make more milk, but because my supply dried up at 4 months with Nathan, I was worried that this was happening again). Luckily, I made it through with emotional support- not from my husband, who kept asking if he should pick up formula and fed Noah bottles when I wasn't looking- but from a few friends, one who has been there done that and one who is in the same boat as me right now. As soon as we passed the growth spurt, I noticed that he was feeding less often during the day (still not sleeping through the night, but surely this is a step in the right direction). They really do make significant changes overnight when they hit a physical or mental growth spurt!

Having to get up so much during the night reminded me that I haven't had a full night of uninterrupted sleep in just under a year. I'm really looking forward to that, but I'm not counting on it anytime soon. Last night, as soon as I fell back asleep after the 3:00 a.m. feeding, I heard Nathan yelling that he had to pee. I went in there to take him to the bathroom, and he kept saying "hurry, before the scary gets me?" After he got done peeing, he just started crying and explained to me that there were monsters in his room and they were coming to get him (I have no idea where he got this from). I asked him how to get rid of monsters, and he told me by turning on the light. So we went in his room and turned on his Lightning McQueen lamp, but apparently it didn't work, because he wanted to come into my bed and that was non-negotiable. I NEVER let Nathan sleep in my bed, but last night I made an exception in the interest of at least getting SOME rest and not having a cranky two year old the next day. My last thought as I drifted off was how thankful I am for having a king bed :)

Preschool- and so it begins

For some history- As some of you may remember, Nathan used to go to my SIL's before I went on maternity leave. I loved being able to leave him with family, where I knew he was safe and having fun with his cousins, but I did not like the drive and I was looking for a setting where he'd have to interact with lots of kids. At one point, I actually did put him in a regular child care center, but I pulled him out and put him back with Kara after just one week- it didn't feel right. 


I decided about 6 months ago that we were getting close to the time when I'd like for Nathan to start going to school part time. Even when I was planning to go back to work, I thought I would find a program for him just for his own enrichment and enjoyment. Sure, I can teach him at home, but he misses the social interaction and classroom setting that he would otherwise get. Over the past few weeks, I had researched child cares (important to differentiate child care from pre-school), knowing that I would have to find a place for the boys when I start school in May. I felt like Goldilocks- this one's too big, this one doesn't feel right, etc. One was right by UCF and came highly recommended, but the waiting list was 6 months long and I didn't love the infant room, nor did I much care for the administration. 


So, here I am, trying to figure out how to get what I want without breaking the bank or having to make crazy drives across town- the added hitch is that most "pre-schools" don't accept infants, and even many day cares have scaled back on infant care due to the ratios. I did find one place that would be acceptable, but it would cost an arm and a leg, plus with anyplace I go, I would have to decide up front how many days to send them, and that may change with my school schedule. I don't want them away from me on days off, and I certainly don't want to pay for days I won't use. I also felt pretty strongly that Montessori was a good fit for us, so I was leaning in that direction. 


Ultimately, I came up with a plan to send Noah to my SIL's (so glad she has tentatively agreed to watch them!!), Nathan to pre-school part time, and then Nathan will go with Noah to my SIL's when he's not at pre-school. I pared my list down to three pre-schools, school "A" is a very small private Montessori school that I just discovered, "B" is a large well-established Montessori, and "C" is a large private school right near our house.


I rather felt as if I was on House Hunters, inspecting each one and weighing the pros and cons. Of course, in House Hunters they never find one that's exactly what they want, and looking at schools is no different. 


When it came down to it, school C was VERY expensive, but they offered "financial aid" on a case by case basis. Each case was decided individually by the director once you presented your financials. Being that there was no set criteria, social justice alarm bells started going off in my head and I decided that I couldn't send Nathan to a school that didn't have a fair and equitable policy for financial aid. Also, because it's a large grade school, drop off/pick up seemed like it would be a nightmare (I would have Noah with me too). The classroom was nice, but the teacher was barking orders at the kids and I didn't like that. The room was small and overstimulating too. The final straw was that they don't accept VPK, and since I don't want to keep changing schools, I would need to pay for VPK completely out of pocket. No thanks. 


School B, which I'd had my heart set on, turned out not to offer anything less than a 5 day program. I had decided I didn't want Nathan in Montessori 5 days a week just yet because a) the cost, b) my schedule, and c) I think he needs to have some "fun" time to balance the structure and organization of Montessori.


School A, which I only just decided to even check out because I was initially unsure of their location and I'd not heard of them before, turned out to be perfect. It's small, only three classrooms, and the director has been teaching Montessori for 30 years. Though the classrooms are sparse and there is a definite undercurrent of order, I like the academic concepts taught, particularly the focus on scientific inquiry and exploration. They offer part time programs, and miraculously have openings. I can send my own lunch (sounds weird but at most child care centers you can't, and they feed the kids school lunch type garbage). My biggest concerns are whether there will be a lack of social interaction, and whether it will dampen Nathan's "whimsicality," but I want to give it a chance. The classrooms are multi-age and they do offer VPK, so that's a plus. Also, they begin at two, so I could put Noah there right at two (possibly). They have an open door parent policy, meaning not only can you come visit the room, but you can also drop in and work with your child. I did see one dad there working with his kid, so that was pretty cool. 


The drive once I start school won't be fun if I have early classes (and I'm sure I will), because I will have to go down towards Avalon Park, out to Chuluota, then back to UCF. I'll only have to do this until Aug 2013. It's only a year. It's only a year. It's only a year. LOL.


Because I think he's ready, but mainly because I don't want to lose our spot, I have registered him for two days a week beginning in January. I took him over today to turn in our deposit and check it out, and he seemed immediately comfortable- he even asked if he could take off his shoes and go play (thank you Kindermusik and Amaya Papaya, now Nathan thinks playtime anywhere should be preceded by removing shoes). The director offered him a book while he was waiting for me to complete the paperwork, and he was thrilled that they had Dr. Seuss' Fox in Socks. The director sat down next to him and talked to him about the book, much the way I would. No bubbly preschool teacheriness, no handprint art on the walls, but lots of kids industriously working away at their tasks and seeming very happy at the same time. 


Oh yeah, and I was so nervous about the whole thing that I forgot to even ask which two days a week to bring him!!!

Breakthrough

Yesterday was a "breakthrough" day. For both kids, actually. Noah only got up once during the night, and that was at almost 4 a.m. What a difference that makes in sleep quality!! Then (later in the day), Nathan came into Noah's room while I was changing Noah's diaper, and said, calm as anything: "I pooped in the potty." And sure enough he did. I think it was an accident, but either way, we had to drop everything and make good on all of the promised "superprizes." We drove his monster truck, got frozen yogurt, and of course we called grandma to tell her. Then, he went two more times that afternoon and asked for more frozen yogurt. So we had to renegotiate our reward chart on the fly :) Now Nathan is in underwear full time except for nights- he has been having dry diapers consistently for a while now, and as I posted last week, we had made a few trips outside the house in underwear. I expect there to be a few accidents, of course, but I like that we waited until he was pretty much self-trained to make the big switch.

It turns out that underwear is not necessarily "easier" than diapers. In some ways, in fact, diapers are easier because you can change them at your convenience. Now, if Nathan has to potty, we need to make arrangements NOW. By the way, I highly recommend one of these. 

I continue to marvel at how quickly time goes by. Somehow I thought that staying home would make the days go slower, but the days still race by at breakneck speed. I realized, too, that I was incorrect in thinking that I'm taking an awful long time to get everything under control in the morning and be able to get out of the house. Rather, when I was working, I was scheduled within an inch of my life and thereby forced to do everything at an unreasonably fast pace. This speed is normal, it just feels slow by comparison. 

Ponds

This week we are learning about ponds and the animals in them. Last night we were doing a task where we pick a number and then stack that number of turtles on the log. Nathan says to me: "actually, those aren't turtles. They're tortoises." And you know what? He turned out to be right! I was cracking up.

This week in review

We managed to keep ourselves quite busy this week. On Monday, actually, we didn't do too much because late Sunday evening I came down with an awful stomach bug and still didn't feel like myself on Monday. Luckily, Jason was home to help out so I could recuperate a bit.

On Tuesday, we went to Amaya Papaya and- here is the exciting part- when I asked Nathan if he wanted to wear a diaper or underwear to AP, he said "underwear!!!" I explained to him what this meant- no diaper and that he'd have to use a big potty at AP, and he said fine! I was fine with it, since he's had dry diapers almost all the time and AP is small with an easily accessible potty. Before we left, he wanted to take a picture with his big boy underwear- sorry for the quality but it was one of those snap-it-quick-before-he-changes-his-mind pics:

The trip was wildly successful, he used the potty at AP a few times and had no accidents at all. Yesterday I let him wear underwear to Publix, same outcome. We're making progress! Once I convince him to poop on the potty, I think we'll pretty much be able to go straight into underwear! He can still list off every reward we've ever offered him, but then refuses to actually do it.

We're also working on naps. He so desperately needs one, but lately it's been rough. He will fall asleep in the car, but I don't like that because I don't want him conditioned to only fall asleep in the car. At home, mostly he lays in bed for an hour but talks, says he has to pee, says he's sad, etc. And his new thing is refusing to put his head on the pillow, smirking at me, and then crying when I take away stuff as punishment. There's really no point in taking things away, because then he cries and a) he's too worked up to go to sleep, and b) I have to listen to it. Now I am trying two things: a set naptime at 1:30 p.m., before which is lunch, booktime, a few minutes of quiet play, and then potty- hoping the routine will help, and secondly a "timer" that goes off at 3:00. Basically I glance in around 2:55 and if he is still awake I set the timer for 5 minutes. These things seem to be helping, with my nap success rate going up significantly since we have instituted these new rules.

One more picture, then onto grown up stuff. Jason made pancakes (which Nathan refused to eat) so I told him to throw some chocolate chips in and then tell Nathan it was a giant chocolate cookie. I thought he was going to fall for it, but then he figured out how to pop the chocolate chips out and just eat those. Stinker.

OK, wait, one more picture because it's not fair to have two of Nathan and none of Noah. This is the boys showing off their Halloween socks one last time:

Yesterday was Jason's and my 5th wedding anniversary! To celebrate, we went to a restaurant out at the Cocoa docks- I had wanted to go there forever and scored a groupon for half off earlier this year, but it's quite a trek and we've been pretty busy. My in-laws watched the boys for us, and we enjoyed a nice evening of seafood and shocktops before heading back to get the boys at the late late hour of 9:00. LOL. Hey, at least we made it. Sadly, the food did not live up to my (admittedly high) expectations, but at least we had some quality time together. We did exchange cards, and Jason got me five lottery tickets, one for each year of marriage. Here is the funny part. Check out the first card. When I started scratching it, I was sure that he was playing one of his tricks on me (he's famous for his trickery). Pretty soon, we were both cracking up, as I kept scratching away. What are the chances? Is this lucky or unlucky for our marriage? And how is it possible that this ticket only wins us $10????

On Noah

I think Noah deserves his own post, don't you? As of today, Noah is just shy of 13 weeks/3 months. He continues to be an "easy" baby, only crying every once in a while. I am constantly amazed at the sharp contrasts in personalities between him and his brother, even at this young age. Where Nathan needed to be held, Noah prefers to be in the swing or bouncy seat. Where Nathan giggled, Noah instead prefers to talk in long oohhhhhhhs and ahhhhhhs. Nathan had to have his paci all the time, Noah could take it or leave it. He is very contemplative and watches everything. He particularly loves to watch his brother when they are in the car (they sit next to each other); sometimes with an adoring look and sometimes with an intense "I'm plotting to take over your top spot" look. 

He loves baths and being outside. He's not a big napper- he just dozes a little here and there and then takes one big nap in the afternoon. Unfortunately, he is not yet sleeping through the night- in this aspect he's similar to his brother (Nathan slept through at 4 months or so), but we moved him into his crib regardless. His room is just across the hall from ours, so it's not that far of a walk. Typically, he's up at 2 and 5. I believe he is what is called a trained night feeder, and the literature suggests that I "wean him off" the night feedings. I don't see how you can do that other than not feeding him and letting him cry, which I refuse to do. Instead, when he wakes up, I try to turn his crib soother on. If after the first round of that, he's still making noise, I feed him. Luckily, he usually goes right back to sleep after he eats. It's just the not having a solid block of sleep that is wearing on me. I realized, in going through my old blog that with Nathan, that I pretty much ALWAYS got rest because Jason and I tag teamed night feedings. In fact, I have a blog entry from when Nathan was around 3 months or so saying that it was the first full night I'd done myself and I was TIRED. Ha. 

We've been working on tummy time, which Noah hates, and laying on his back on the baby gym. This has been harder to make time for, because I don't like to do it when there's one adult, one dog, and one toddler in the house. I try to reserve tummy time for Nathan's nap time (if and when he has one). Noah also just started sitting in his bumbo seat and now also has a tray for it, so he can sit with us when we are at our "work" table. We have an infant to toddler high chair that I think he's ready for and then he'll be able to sit at the kitchen table with us too rather than in a corner on the floor in his bouncy seat. 

I think that's all! 

"home-schooling"

One of the things I was looking forward to about staying home was the opportunity to teach Nathan. At the same time, the idea completely overwhelmed me, because I'm not "teacher-y" or crafty, and I didn't really know what kinds of things I should be teaching him. After a month or so of taking stock of my supplies, researching, and adding to my collection, I think we're finally in a good place. Luckily, I also found a few great websites that has printable modules for different topics, so a lot of the lesson planning is done for me. My favorites are:
http://www.2teachingmommies.com/ and
http://www.1plus1plus1equals1.com/

They both have lots of searchable and downloadable content, and though they are faith-based I have found it easy enough to just skip over or reframe those parts. A lot of people (especially my still-working friends) have asked what a "typical day" looks like for us, so here goes. Keep in mind that even though it sounds structured, it really isn't. There's no real order to this list, and many of the items only take a few minutes. The spaces are filled in by free play, naps (ha, on rare occasions), or snacks/meals. Also, many activities that we do cover more than one topic area (or maybe I have just not sorted them correctly in the list below).

- ADLs/hygiene: we're working on getting dressed independently, brushing teeth, washing hands, and potty
- Science: this is my area of expertise, so this one is easy. We learn about an animal, cut open a fruit or veggie to learn its parts, or talk about life cycles. I tend to focus more on life sciences because that's my comfort zone, but Jason does more of the non-life science/math with him.
- Gross and fine motor: we do lacing, stacking, drawing, mosaic stickers, gluing
- Pre-writing, mazes
- Cognitive: basic patterning, sorting, opposites, puzzles
- Counting, learning numbers and letters
- Cooking projects
- Outdoor play: bubbles, sidewalk chalk, checking on our garden, just running around
- Singing: some of the lesson plans come with songs that can be sung to a well known melody (lucky for me, lol)

One key I have figured out is "pre-staging." So if there are any projects I might want to do, or things that require setup like brushes and paper towels, I set those up in a bin underneath our "project table." If/When we get to that project, everything is right there so I don't have to ask a two year old to be patient while I run around trying to find all the parts I need. Generally, each Sunday I pick out a few educational toys that haven't been played with for a while and place them underneath our table. I rotate these out regularly, because a) then I don't feel guilty that we have toys just sitting around, and b) Nathan responds better when it's something he hasn't seen in a while. I also pre-print all of our "worksheets" and keep them filed so I can easily pull out a theme/module (Cars, Nemo, dinosaurs).

Under the table, there's also one bin that stays there. Contents include crayons, safe scissors, glue stick, wipes, paper towels, clothespins, and a pen.

I now have a new "station" that's set up on the side of our refrigerator. I wanted to get a large pocket chart to place all of our stuff for the week, but instead I ended up with four magnetic pockets. They're big enough to hold small craft items or a book. I have it split out into subjects (which you probably can't read, but they are science & math, art/music/movement, reading & writing, and values & the world) so that I can offer a variety and give Nathan choices. I don't know if my subject areas are "right" but it made sense to me. You can see that values and the world is a little empty- I'm struggling to find age-appropriate stuff for that one.














Aside from "school, we also try to get out of the house at least once a day- just a trip to Target or Publix can present learning opportunities, break up the monotony, and possibly even give Nathan a chance to fall asleep on the ride home.

Surprisingly, I have not felt stir-crazy, deprived of adult contact, etc. The two things I can attribute this two are Jason's schedule, which affords me a break in the afternoon when he arrives home (plus he handles Nathan's bath and bed routine each night) and the fact that I get to see my friends and have "me" (gym) time much more than I did while I was working.

one more vacation note

I can't believe I forgot to mention this! I really need to start jotting notes down so I can be sure not to miss anything when I post. I mentioned in my vacation prep post that I planned to bring Nathan's Neat-Oh dinosaur box, loaded up with toys. Well, I can't tell you what a hit that was! Inside the box we had some play dinosaurs, some felt dinosaurs,and just a few other random things. That box was out every single day and kept him occupied for hours. It was nice because he could play and make a big mess, and then we would just rezip the mat into a box, dump the toys in, and it was nice and organized. If you plan to travel, I would say this is a must-have. They have a bunch of different themes and a few sizes (I think ours is a medium).

Vacation post-mortem

We're back from our trip and I'm happy to report that it was a great time with minimal confusion/tantrums/blowouts. We ended up leaving around 9:30 a.m. on Tuesday, stopping off at Jekyll Island for the sea turtle center, a playground, and a gorgeous driftwood beach. If you haven't ever been to Jekyll, you should go. It's awesome. After Jekyll, we drove as far as Florence, SC where we stopped for the night. Jason took Nathan swimming in the hotel pool, so he now associates hotels with pools. He thought it was super awesome that he got his own big bed and he marveled at the "giant room." We were a little nervous about him peeing out of his diaper at night but we just reminded him over and over not to pee in his sleep.

On day two, we drove north to Greensboro, NC where we visited a fun (though a little pricey) children's museum. When I first walked in I was underwhelmed, but then I realized that we were just looking at a small corner of the space. They were also having a visiting Curious George exhibit, so that made for even more fun stuff. Nathan LOVED it. After that, we drove around Greensboro for a bit and then headed to our hotel.

Day three we headed back south a bit to the NCZoo, which was HUGE (I believe it's 5 miles of walking). It covers just two continents, North America and Africa, but is incredibly comprehensive with good animals and impressive habitats. The polar bear exhibit was closed because the zoo is building a 13 million dollar habitat upgrade, so that should give you an idea of the caliber. A lot of the habitats have multi-level viewing where you can look from above and then also go down to eye-level and view the animals through a window that's either half or fully under the water. They have a giant beehive, a sort of desert solarium, and they're opening a new kid zone in 2013 that looks pretty expansive. I also liked that in North America all of the animal loops were off the main path so that you could skip any of them without having to weave in and out. Africa was not as sequential.

When we first arrived, we asked to purchase the combo passes that included a carousel ride and a ticket to feed the giraffes, but they told us that the giraffes weren't out due to the rain earlier in the morning. Nathan loves to see giraffes and that was pretty much all he talked about, so we hoped they'd put the giraffes back out if it stayed sunny. The giraffes were the farthest animal in the entire park, and we didn't want a tantrum, so we just nodded and said "uh-huh" whenever giraffes were mentioned. We stopped at the halfway point and rode a pretty cool animal carousel (Nathan rode an alligator, shocking I know). We saw grizzly bears, alligators, a whole room full of reptiles and amphibians, seals, and much more.

Unfortunately, when we finally made it to the giraffes (and Nathan was fighting sleep just to stay awake until giraffe time), they were still in their barn. Apparently they are at high risk for falls when it's slippery. Jason told him the giraffes were sleeping, so Nathan tried to yell at them to wake up. We felt so bad. Jason explained the situation and he sadly said that he understood. Then, he went to sleep. At this point, we had to walk the whole way back to the car, so we were glad that it was with a passed out boy and not a screaming upset one. What bad luck for us, we ran into a rainstorm about halfway back to the car and got totally soaked.

From there, we drove up to Virginia to my brother's house in Roanoke. We stayed there for a few days (Jason's brother, his wife, and their baby also came to Jesse's) until we completely wore my brother out :) We sightsaw (sightseed? are either of those real words?) in downtown Roanoke and went to a beautiful state park that had a brand new ranger building with nice bathrooms (you may think it's weird that I mention this, but it was REALLY nice, and when was the last time you ever were in a nice state park bathroom?).

We left Roanoke Sunday morning and made the requisite stop at Trader Joe's (first time ever for Noah!) before stopping in Columbia for the night, where Nathan once again got to go in the pool. The next day was a long driving day, primarily because it felt like we were stopping constantly for someone to eat, go to the bathroom, etc. and also because we made a poor decision to explore Savannah, not realizing it was 20 minutes off of the highway.

Surprises/Lessons Learned
One thing I didn't expect was for Nathan to get homesick. The first night in Virginia, he was laying in his bed, and his eyes were shiny with tears. When I asked him what was wrong, he sadly said "I want to go to my house and sleep in my bed." :(

I also didn't expect returning home to be so tough. While we were gone, there was no "school" time, schedules were way off, with him staying awake as late as 11 p.m. some nights. He's had trouble focusing, though after almost a week home I would say he's about back to normal.

As far as what worked for diversions and what worked logistically, breaking up the drive with interim destinations was definitely helpful. The "superprize" bag was popular, and the item he played with most during the whole trip was probably his Wheels on the Bus book, followed by stickers + a blank composition book.

My packing system worked out pretty well, I always knew where diaper change or overnight essentials were, and they were always packed together in their bin. Thankfully, we were able to do laundry at my brother's house- I don't know that we could do a vacation with no laundry access.

Pics are up on my picasa page!

Noah's 8 week appointment (at 9 weeks)

Today was Noah's 8 week appointment, but he was really 9 weeks because our doctor's office goes by birth days when calculating checkup dates, so they wouldn't let me bring him when he was actually 8 weeks. And the scheduler didn't want me to put it off until after we got back from vacation, so we ended up with a doctor that I don't particularly care for (we have two that we really like, but neither works on Mondays). Plus, I made it for a Monday afternoon thinking Jason would be off, but because of the upcoming vacation days he had to work today, meaning that I'd have to take both boys on my own. And last but not least, the only available appointment was 2 p.m., which is when Nathan should be settling down for a nap.

The good news is that he checked out just fine, weighing in at 12 lbs. 3 oz. (slightly less than Nathan weighed at this age) but measuring at a whopping 24.5 inches long, which is 90th percentile. Developmentally everything is on track- I have to keep reminding myself that there is a wide range of normal, as I often find myself paging through Nathan's baby blog to see when he achieved various milestones. One milestone that was really bugging me was smiling- he hardly smiles! But over the past few days, he's finally starting to give them up more easily, especially in the morning and during middle of the night diaper changes (which make them far more tolerable). Other than a little evening cranky time, he is still very mellow and easily settled. He's the most efficient eater I've seen; it only takes 8-10 minutes for him to eat. He is not sleeping through the night yet, but most of the time he'll stay asleep until sometime between 3 and 5 and then is up every 2 hours or so after that.

I haven't nailed down his napping schedule, but the pattern seems to be doze on and off, then stay awake for a big long stretch. It really makes no difference to me, as he is pretty independent and likes to just play with his toys rather than be held every second he's awake.

Oh, and the best (or maybe worst) part? He doesn't poop every other minute like Nathan did! In fact, I'm pretty sure he hasn't gone since Friday. I just know he'll let it all out as soon as we pass the last rest stop for the next 60 miles on I 95...

Link to weekly Noah pictures!

Redmeans!

OK, this one is pretty funny. The other day we were driving to my in-laws' house and Nathan says "wait a second, redmeans!!!!" We asked him to say it again because we weren't sure and sometimes he gets really upset when he's not understood. "Redmeans, redmeans, mommy!" "RED! MEANS! STOP!"

We were pulling up to a light and he thought I was going to run it :) I always tell him red means stop, so I guess he thought a traffic light was called a redmeans. Jason tried to explain to him that it was called a traffic light, to which Nathan replied "no, daddy, you're saying it wrong."

Less funny was the other day, when we arrived home from the park to find that we'd accidentally left our dog outside in the heat. I explained to Nathan what happened and then he told me "mommy, you left me at the park, and it was hot!" I can't believe he made up a story like that!!!  I tried to explain that he can't make up stories like that, and Jada was left outside, not him. Sigh.

Vacation (the "plan")

About 6 weeks before I had Noah, Jason calculated his PTO and realized that he had a bunch that needed to be burned before November. He wanted to go up to the mountains and rent a cabin, but I vetoed that firstly because a road trip with a newborn sounded awful and secondly because what exactly can you DO with a newborn in the mountains? (ok, fine, and thirdly because I would be neurotic about being up on a secluded mountaintop with no nearby hospital). We decided to see how the baby's temperament was and then develop a flexible vacation based on that information. We also were waiting to see if a job in VA came through for my brother (it did). We decided to make a road trip up there, then briefly changed our minds and decided to do a midweek shorter trip to Jekyll Island. Then we changed our minds again and I sent Jason a plan that had us stopping off at sights and entertaining spots every few hours. Jason countered that with a plan to basically just drive straight through. Sigh. For a short while we were at an impasse, but ultimately came up with a plan that we agreed upon: drive to Jekyll Island, play there for a while, drive towards Greensboro NC and then spend two-ish days there at the zoo and science museum. Then we would head up to Roanoke and stay with my brother for a few days before heading back via Charlotte. So, that is our current plan.

I have utilized my extra organizational capacity that is usually used for work to prepare for this trip. I'm in charge of packing logistics and entertainment for Nathan. Jason will drive. He always does. :)

We were thrown a little bit of a curveball this morning- usually when we road trip we take out the middle row of our minivan and put Nathan in the back row, with all of our stuff in the middle. Our middle row only seats two, and the back row three, so we'd planned to put both boys in the back and I could sit in the middle. When we removed the middle row and flipped up the back row (I usually just keep the whole back row down), we discovered that the back row only had one LATCH system, and it took up two seats! WTF?! This meant that both boys and me could not be in the back. Ultimately, I put both seats back in the middle row and folded down the back. I won't be able to sit next to either of them. So annoyed.

What I have planned for Nathan (besides for the destinations):
This is a "scrapbook" for him to use on our trip. I have different colors of cardstock and each day we'll do a page chronicling what we did and maybe including some kind of related item (i.e. we can glue on leaves, postcards, brochures). I also precut some pieces of lined paper so he can dictate to me what his favorite thing that day was. There's sheet protectors for each page, and then it's all in a 1/2 inch binder. When we get home, I'll probably let him have at some of my scrap stuff to decorate his pages more and add pictures that we took while away.

This is an idea that I stole from someone's blog- a kind of hide and seek game. You are supposed to use an empty peanut butter jar, but I didn't have one so I used a dollar store jar instead. Fill it most of the way with rice and other items like foam letters. I used "warm fuzzies" (pom-poms), and glitter foam stickers with flowers and butterflies. I'll see if I can find a few more small items to hide in there. Then GLUE the lid on so there's no rice explosion. The game is to find various things ("find a blue dragonfly," etc.).

I used a bunch of $1 sterilite shoebox sized containers to organize essentials. Then I made tags that are labeled and have distinct shapes and colors, so that Nathan and Jason (mostly Jason) will be able to find things easily. I can't count how many times he's brought a bag (that I described in DETAIL) to a hotel room only to have me say "no, the OTHER duffel bag!" The photo you see below has overnight things for the kids- washcloths, soap, medicines, toothbrush, changing pads (we're using disposable ones on this trip). I also have a diaper bin that contains both sizes of diapers, changing pad, diaper bags, hand sanitizer, and wipes. Then there is an "overstock" bin that has refills of everything- this will be stored in the basement of the van.

This is possibly the coolest toy Nathan owns, from his great aunt Rosy. It's called a Neat-Oh bin, and I believe she got it at BJ's, although they sell them on Amazon too. It's a bin that has zippers on the corners so it can fold out into a play mat. It velcroes closed and has a handle. All of Nathan and Noah's toys for the hotel room/house are in here.

Books, coloring books, and crayons have their own labeled bag.

Other items not pictured:
- Potette Plus
We were originally going to bring Nathan's frog potty but it's pretty big. Nathan has refused to poop on the potty, which pretty much guarantees that he's going to decide somewhere along I-95 that he wants to poop on the potty NOW. I researched portable potties and found this one that I liked best for several reasons. It is one piece (pretty small) that has legs that fold down so a kid can sit on it, or fold outward so it can be placed on a normal size (i.e. public) potty. It doesn't have a "bowl," instead it has disposable scented liners. The whole thing fits in a little plastic drawstring bag.

- Lap desk
This will allow him to play with cars, color, etc.

- Superprize bag
I bought a bunch of stuff from the dollar store and "recycled" some things Nathan hasn't played with in a while. Whenever he gets bored or antsy, we can pick something out of here. I have things like a Cars stamper set, toy cars, dinosaur finger puppets, a Kindermusik egg shaker, dinosaur flash cards, mini animal books from Target dollar spot, and lots of stickers. By the way, the reason it's called a superprize bag it because Nathan confuses surprise and prize and calls anything he gets a superprize. I kind of likes it, so it stuck.

- Travel beds
Nathan has a blowup Cars bed that can go on the floor. For Noah, we are deciding between a pack n play or a little peapod type bed that I borrowed from my SIL.

- Touchpad
Jason has preloaded our touchpad with games and movies. I also have our virtual fish tanks of course.

I also have packed my pump and accessories, just in case, a beach bag for Jekyll Island, and then everyone's clothes. For Noah's clothes and Nathan's socks, they are organized into ziploc bags so I can just grab the bag I want without messing up the order of things. Of course, I also have a diaper box full of snacks, and we plan to take a small cooler as well. The entire pile of stuff that needs to be packed doesn't look that big to me, but I could be mistaken. I'm going to try hard to be one of those awesome bloggers who takes pictures of everything as it's used, for the post-trip-post.

Admonished

A few weeks ago, I was at the park with the boys when an older man who was there with his grandson approached me to tell me I "shouldn't let the baby lay like that." He had his head cocked to one side, since one side is stronger than the other. We've been doing exercises to even him out, but really it's not that big of a deal. I brushed the guy off even as he proceeded to engage me in conversation, telling me all about how he watches his grandson but won't watch the other grandkid because he's still in diapers. Then, he stood off to the side and yelled at the kid repeatedly- "Daniel, NO!" "Don't do that!" "What are you doing?!?" So on and so forth.

Well, today, at a DIFFERENT park, unbelievably, the same guy was there with his grandson. He of course had more sage advice for me.
GOTY (grandfather of the year): You shouldn't stand there with the carriage, you should come over here (points to bench/concrete pad where he is)
Me: No thanks, we're fine (I was standing in the pine needles/sand as close to the raised playground bed as I could get to Nathan. The guy was sitting further away without a full view of the play area).
GOTY: There's ants there, you really shouldn't stand there with the baby.
Me (probably sounding really bitchy): Thanks, we're fine here.

I'm sure he thought ants were going to engulf Noah and me at any minute. Poor, stupid, mother doesn't know anything about how to safely raise a child. After yelling at his boy for a few more minutes, he then walked away to the other side of the park, completely leaving his grandson, who was maybe 3 1/2 at the most! Keep in mind that this park isn't fence, there's a lake right there, and it's right on SR 50 so it attracts a lot of people who are just hanging out in the pavilion shade. I would NEVER walk away from my child at a park, or anywhere else for that matter! Oh, and the kicker? He was parked next to me and as I pulled out I noticed that he had no car seat in his truck!

Games we play

Some of you may have seen my post on FB referencing Nathan's virtual fishtank (well, now there are actually THREE tanks). This was a free app that I downloaded thinking it would be a fun diversion for Nathan. Every day he asks to see his fishtanks, and he gets to feed them, love them, and clean their tanks. We also buy and sell them to make more money and unlock more fish. Right now he really wants to make level eight so he can buy an orca whale :)

I used to laugh at the people who played Farmville or had the fishtanks on FB, I thought they were so ridiculous. But I have to admit, I'm a little bit addicted. Do you remember when you were little and played Tetris on the Nintendo till the wee hours of the morning, only to go to sleep and play in your dreams? Well, I play Tap Fish in my dreams. I'm also getting wrapped up in the strategy of the game. The premise is this: you start off with a nominal amount of coins and "Fish Bucks" which are the currencies you use to buy fish eggs, decorations, etc. You start by buying a few cheap eggs and then can earn coins and experience points by reselling them or breeding them and selling the offspring. Here's where it gets complicated. There are several thousand permutations of bred offspring, some of which pay off far more than others. Also, the fish resell at different premiums, and mature over different periods of time. So a low cost fish might yield only five coins ROI, but in a four hour time period, while a higher cost fish yields 50 coins, but takes three days to mature. See where I'm going with this? I have literally had to fight the urge to create an Excel spreadsheet to figure out the smartest moves. Not only would this be a huge waste of time, but Nathan could care less about fish ROI. He buys fish because they're a color he likes, or because it's a scary shark. Then, he won't let me sell some of them (i.e. our bunnyfish) because he's attached to them! Yes, I know, I need to let go.

Speaking of letting go, one of the major adjustments I've had to make is learning to NOT be in a rush. Because my time with the boys is not at a premium like it was before (not to say it's not important, there's just more of it). It used to be if we were still in the house at 10 a.m. I could hear the clock ticking and time wasting away. Now, since we're not in a rush to accomplish the next task, I am learning to relax and take things slower. I'm definitely learning to enjoy the process, not just the end result. I'm very thankful for both being able to do this and for the fact that this adjustment has been positive and not negative.

Two

The challenge of having two children, I have figured out, is that at all times, either one or both has a need, so you never really have a break. Either both need something RIGHT NOW, or you get one settled and then the other one needs something. It's an endless cycle. The good news is, I can see that it will (should) get easier as each child gets older, especially once Noah can sit up or go in an exersaucer.

Potty training
At this point we've pretty much abandoned potty training for the moment, because there's no way I'm putting an actively potty training toddler in a car for a long road trip. Far too risky. I will say that he's been far more successful with grandmas and at the church nursery than with me. With me, he'll just pee in his diaper, but apparently in other places he'll ask to go potty rather than pee in his diaper. Why, I have no idea. He still refuses to poop on the potty for anyone. I figure I'll try again in late October after vacation.

Preparing for Vacation
Speaking of, we're attempting a pretty major road trip in two weeks to go see my brother in Virginia and stop at a few places along the way. I think I have a pretty good packing system figured out that involves lots of plastic bins and labeling. I think that the best way to do things is to break the driving up into segments with fun stops along the way, but Jason thinks that plowing through would be better. I guess we'll find out soon enough!!

Remember

I feel like I should at least write SOMETHING about the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I have not much felt like thinking about or commemorating the anniversary. The only mainstream media coverage I've tolerated, other than watching a little of the original media footage from that day (As it Happened) is NPR's, because they took a really different approach focusing on 9/11's effects on arts and culture. For me, thinking back, the event created in me a feeling of "alive-ness" that I'd never experienced before, of thankfulness for the beautiful clear September days we had that year, for family, for friends, for love, for all that the world could offer me and all that was good in the world. But even more so, a feeling of interconnectedness and synchronicity. Over time, through the banalities of life, intense feelings like this tend to ebb away. I went back through my computer files to see if I could put myself back to that time in my life. 

I found the lyrics to "Turn, Turn, Turn" by the Byrds/originally from Ecclesiastes. Incidentally I just saw on Wikipedia that Rudy Giuliani read these same words today as part of the remembrance ceremony, so I guess they're poignant to more people than just me. 

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

********************************************************************

I found this piece, unfortunately without an attribution, though I could probably find one if I tried:

THE GEOGRAPHY OF HOPE The seasonal cycles of the natural world go on, undeterred by the havoc around them. 

For proof of nature’s healing power one need only read accounts of how Americans instinctively flocked to urban gardens, mountain overlooks, forested trails and ocean shores in the wake of the terrorist attacks, seeking refuge from an anguish that was all consuming. In those places they found the solace and spiritual renewal that only nature can bring. The novelist Wallace Stegner wrote that as human beings we need wild places available to us as a way of reassuring ourselves of our sanity as creatures. Calling this sense of connection to the natural world part of the “geography of hope,” Stegner evoked the eternal rhythms of which we are all a part. 

Exposure to the natural world has been shown to be therapeutic by alleviating stress and promoting health. The medical community has long known about the healing power of nature, which is why healing gardens are cropping up in medical centers across the country. Healthcare providers understand that flowers, trees and running water can create an oasis for those facing the trauma of a debilitating disease or the loss of a loved one.

As Americans look for spiritual renewal, emotional healing, or time to reflect on how our country will rebound from this national tragedy, many are turning to Mother Nature. Wildlife and wild places — whether they are found in the mesas of the West, the grasslands of the Midwest, the Alleghenies or Adirondacks of the East, or the park down the street — are part of our strength as a nation, an indomitable part of our American heritage that is impervious to those who attempt to destroy our resolve. 

***********************************************************

I also found a journal I kept beginning on the 11th and continuing into the days immediately following, but it's intensely personal and I'd rather not share that here. Just suffice to say that I'm so glad I kept my own commemoration of that day that I can always turn back to in order to remember. 

Today at church the service (thankfully, in my opinion) was not overtly 9/11. We had a water service where everyone was asked to bring water that was meaningful to them in some way, from summer travels, etc. Then we came up in groups as East (renewal, sunrise), South (power, strength), West (a time of harvest or endings), and North (restfulness, self-care, wisdom). All of the water went into a collective bowl along with some water from last year's service and an empty bottle poured to show solidarity with those in the world who don't have access to safe clean water. We also had paper raindrops on which we wrote a few words and then posted on big sheets of paper.

I went with East and "new beginnings" though "birth and rebirth" might have been slightly more poetic. I could have easily gone up for the other three directions too. The meditation was to imagine ourselves as water- maybe a stream, an ocean, rain or teardrops but ultimately cycling through all of these forms. North bleeds into East, East into South, South into West, and West back into North.  There is a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to reap that which is planted. All things are interconnected. Remember and be thankful for the fragile world that we live in and our place in it. 

CEO to CFO (Chief Family Officer)

I got this quote in my google reader yesterday and it seemed apropos: 

“Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love.”

Mildred B. Vermont

This past week, after a month of agonizing debate, thought, and playing with the budget, I put in notice at my job. The word job is probably a misnomer, and putting in notice should probably be written more like "filed divorce papers." I had been with this organization for just over four and a half years and had seen it through planning, building, opening, nearly folding, and merging with a much larger organization. Much of the work I did there was at the cost of family time and mental/emotional energies. Being always on call took a big toll on both me and my relationship with Jason. The many times I told him I was leaving the office "in a second" left me a liar and him resentful. I went back to the office beginning 3 weeks post c-section after Nathan and have never REALLY forgiven myself for it.

I would come home stressed, angry, worried about the 25 or so families I was responsible for, etc. The commute was almost an hour each way (more if I had to go pick up Nathan). It just never ended. The only vacations I truly enjoyed were ones where we went on a cruise and I didn't have cell or email access. Yes, the money was great, but the "price" I paid was great as well. 

I give all the above information to say that despite my fears about being a "stay at home mom," fears about my budget, and fears of boredom, I will be spending the next 8 months without a "real job." I'll be pursuing consulting to a limited extent so that I can still feel productive, like I'm helping others, and make a bit of money on the side, but my primary job will be caring for my family. And here's the crazy thing: I'm reaping the benefits already! Not only do I feel 10 pounds lighter, but Jason has noticeably responded already (shhhh, this is a massive secret!)- He's actually holding my hand, being very affectionate, thoughtful, etc. The countless fights over his lack of affection towards me- evaporated. How ironic!

I still plan to attend nursing school in May, the beginning of a long term shift to family first (I/we had no intent of me staying home indefinitely, the timing just worked out because I had planned to leave my job for school anyways). So stay tuned for a different sort of blog, as I deal with new and different kinds of challenges! :)

3 (almost 4) weeks

My google calendar tasks list has gone from looking something like this:

- finish Bank of America grant app

- write Board email

- update resident handbook

to looking more like this:

- laundry

- dishes

- update mint.com

This is neither a positive nor a negative, just a stark contrast between my two lives. At this point in Nathan's life (3 weeks), I was headed back to the office a few days a week. Now, I'm just barely a third of the way through my planned maternity leave!

Nathan's been pretty interested in the whole breastfeeding process, including pumping (mommy's milk machine, he calls it), and so yesterday I taught him that making milk for baby Noah is mommy's special superpower. Maybe not 100% aboveboard, but I couldn't resist!

We continue to do battle over pooping on the potty. Yesterday, when Nathan told me he had to go, I tried to take a different (ok, slightly callous) approach. I stripped off his shorts and diaper and took him to the bathroom. Where he cried and screamed and didn't go for 20 minutes. I promised him ANYTHING he wanted (his requests were to go to the midwife's office and to the hospital, how weird is that??) but he still wouldn't go. I finally relented and gave him a diaper, and he went in that. Sigh. We are getting close to the days where we're just going to hang out in the backyard with no diaper all day until he gets the hang of it. As soon as my physical strength, intestinal fortitude, and the weather allow...

Update

Wow, I can't believe so much time has passed since I last updated! I guess we have been busy finding our groove. Today is what I consider my first day at home alone with both boys (i.e. my mom went back to South Florida and Jason's at work, so I'm technically a SAHM for the day). So far today, we have done a cooking project (baked pretzels), colored outside with sidewalk chalk, eaten lunch, and now both boys are napping. Hooray!

Tomorrow starts our first Kindermusik class (Nathan and I, Noah will attend but only as a bystander, obviously). I wanted to try and do some fun, structured, and social stuff while I'm home so that we can get out of the house and Nathan can still get some stimulation. I'm trying hard to put everything on the calendar and make sure I have a to-do list to check off each day so that I don't get bored, and projects in the "bull pen" so that Nathan doesn't get bored either.

Recovery from surgery continues to be a slow road, much more so than after I had Nathan, for whatever reason. I don't think I could handle another c-section, honestly (nor do I think I could handle three kids, for that matter!). Which brings me to the latest internal struggle. Jason has said he's definitely done at two kids, and I think for the most part I am too, I'm just having trouble coming to terms with being done having children. As much of a feminist and career woman as I am, I apparently have a lot of my identity tied up in one organ of my body, and it makes me sad to think of being done having children. Even though this last pregnancy was a little tough, and the recovery even tougher. Even though in order to give our kids everything we want to financially, we should stop at two. Even though I'm ready to move on to the next phase in life- kids growing older and becoming more independent, etc.

I've always thought the whole thing was kind of weird. You spend most of your adult life trying not to get pregnant. Then, you do a 180 and do nothing but try to get pregnant. After you have your first child, you enter the no-man's land of how far apart to space kids, how many do you want, how old your eggs are, and so on. Now, after the second child, it looks as though we're entering some new phase where we're just waiting for the kids to get older, looking towards school and no more diapers. I guess it makes me feel sort of middle-aged. Boo for that.

I'm trying to enjoy every moment and take in the newborn-ness, knowing it'll probably be the last. I'm getting rid of all my maternity clothes and baby clothes as Noah grows out of them, which is helping me make the adjustment to this mode mentally (it doesn't hurt that our house has limited storage, so I'm looking forward to having more room for other stuff).

Noah is doing well, we had him at the doctor yesterday and he is already up to 9 lbs. 9 oz., up from 8 lbs. 13 oz. just a week ago. He's more and more alert each day, and has fallen into a fairly predictable eat/sleep/poop pattern. He continues to be my mellow child, barely any crying, calms as soon as his needs are met, etc. Pics will be up on FB tomorrow!

Progress

I'm better now! The fever passed after a few days and no one else in the house got sick. I was still pretty nervous about it being an incision infection, but I guess all is well.

Circumcision

Yesterday was Noah's circ, a balancing act of near historic proportions, since Jason was at work. My mom and I took both kids to the ped office- she stayed out front with Nathan while I went back with Noah. This would have been okay except for the fact that Nathan was overtired, and then on top of that it started pouring so we had to stay in the office an extra 15 minutes (felt like hours) while we waited for it to pass. The procedure went fine, and Noah is up to 8 lbs 6 oz (from 7 7 last Thursday and 8 3 at birth). With Nathan's circumcision, the 24 hours following the procedure were pretty hellish. He was screaming, pooping, needing his gauze changed, and leaking out of the diaper. This time, I researched caring for the wound and found this site. This method of gauze application is MUCH better. Noah's response has also been totally different (more on this later). Whereas Nathan was a screaming wreck, Noah has taken it all in stride, quietly bearing the pain and just asking to be snuggled and nursed a little more than usual.

Nursing

Things are going really well in this department, another example of how two kids from the same gene pool can be as different as night and day. Noah is an easy latcher and quick and efficient eater. He'll nurse more in the day and every four hours or so at night, which is fine with me. I pretty much quit pumping a few days ago, because really what's the point? I'm planning to just pump one extra bottle every day or so to build up a supply for when he eventually goes to my mom's for the day and/or when I go back to work.

Changes

Yesterday Noah was having a growth spurt, nursing more frequently, sleeping, etc. Today he's a different baby! I notice that today (incidentally one day after his "due date") he is much more alert, looks at toys, stays awake longer, and makes better eye contact. It's so neat to watch the milestones already!

Personalities

I have been absolutely fascinated by the personality differences between Noah and Nathan, even at their young ages. I always thought Nathan was pretty low maintenance, until I met Noah. Now I realize that Nathan is a mini-me and Noah a mini-Jason. Here's a few distinctions:

Nathan:

goes from 1 to 11 on the temper scale in 2 seconds (me)

emotional, wears his heart on his sleeve (me)

organized, to a fault (me)

always hot (Jason)

doesn't like physical affection (Jason)

Nurturer (me)

Noah:

mellow personality, if he's hungry he'll just grunt rather than go to an all out I'M STARVING scream (Jason)

cold hands and feet (me)

internalizes pain or concerns rather than letting it out (Jason)

I don't THINK I'm anthropomorphizing Noah, I feel like these are pretty accurate observations. Time will tell I guess!

Struggle

So, I'm sick :( Not only do I rarely get sick, but I'm in no physical or emotional state to be sick right now. Last night around 6 I felt a little feverish, so I took my temp and it was right at 100.5. Half an hour later it was at 101.8. So many fears are running through my mind- am I contagious? Do I have an infection? Does Noah feel warm? I am unprepared for this! All I want to do is feel better and spend endless hours snuggling with my newest addition. Thank god I have had so much help from my parents, and I'm now on antibiotics that will hopefully knock whatever this is out and return me to good health and good spirits (incidentally, another fear is the abx passing into Noah's milk- will it be ok for him?).

I think I am especially sensitive because of what happened right after Noah was born. with Nathan, he stayed with me from the PACU onward, but Noah was whisked away due to the low blood sugar and though you've read that story from Jason's perspective, I have not shared mine. Literally minutes after going into the PACU and getting a brief moment with Noah, he was taken to the nursery to address his blood sugar level. I had to stay extra time in the PACU due to spiking a fever and having the shakes really bad. I think I got up to the mother baby unit around 4:00 or 4:30 and they refused to let me see Noah. I couldn't go to him in the nursery until I could get into a wheelchair, and he was not allowed to leave the nursery. Basically, after his sugar stabilized, he had trouble maintaining his temperature. I asked to go in to do skin to skin and was told no, due to the above reasons. I asked if Jason could go in to do skin to skin and was told that it would have to be approved by the ped. I was just heartbroken a) that I couldn't see him right away and b) that he was by himself in a nursery, lying on a hard bed. They told me he might not be cleared until the afternoon, and at that moment, as they say, I lost my shit. I called my mom in tears. I got ready to call my ped to override this stupidity. Luckily, he ended up coming in earlier than that, but I was a very unhappy person.

Back to my original point. I don't like not being able to attend to his needs 100% or snuggle him because I myself desperately need a nap, to the point where my body has been periodically shutting itself down and taking sleep as it needs it to heal. I hope this passes soon.

Nathan's first week

Well, it's been a week at midnight since Nathan's little world was turned upside down, beginning with being woken up in the middle of the night to go to to Grandma Lynn's for a sleepover and culminating with bringing this little person, Noah, home for good. For the most part (and being that he's only two and a half), he's handled everything rather well! He is intensely proud of his big brother status and will say things like "ohhh, you're so cute," or when company comes over "come see baby Noah's room!" Noah doesn't cry much, so that is good for his likability factor from Nathan's perspective. At first Nathan was a little scared of my owie and also standoffish with me, telling me "no high fives, no nose kisses, no hugs" but luckily the embargo has ended and he's back to loving on me- at least as much as he did before, lol.

He was also very wired the first few days, he couldn't focus or do projects like he normally does, but now he has settled down. I have been spending time with him when the baby sleeps and we're doing special projects together, especially cooking, when we can. Jason takes him out on errands so they can have "special Daddy Nathan time" and though he exhibited a bit of separation anxiety leaving Jason and me at the house at first, he's also gone out with my parents a bit. Today I would say was his first "mostly normal" day.

His little antics continue, here are a few of just the most recent:

- He has a stuffed baby giraffe that came with balloons that my aunt sent. It started off with needing to put a diaper (and even requesting a wipe and telling the giraffe "legs up! legs down!") and progressed to needing to feed the baby giraffe milk (I gave him a bottle we don't use and told him to fill it with special giraffe milk, a carton of milk from his play kitchen). Well, today, he wanted milk for the giraffe's bottle and refused to get the milk "I want the milk from MOMMY's fridge!" He went to our fridge and started saying to himself "I can't open it! It's too heavy!" One of us tried to give him the carton of play milk and he told us "NO, it's no RE-ALL!" Silly us, we were trying to feed the giraffe fake milk.

- Last night I asked him "Can you get me the blue pillow (boppy) and he replied "mommy, what's the magic word??" Guess that manners thing is working a little too well.

As for Noah, he is doing well. He is very mellow and sleeps a lot so far. He sleeps for 4 hour stretches at night, which is so beyond awesome that I can't even say. He is a little snuggler that is built like Jason but has cold feet and hands like me. Whereas Nathan would go from zero to ten in a second, like me, Noah is slower to get worked up and will ask nicely for a long time before getting agitated. It's so funny to see personality differences even at this young age! Almost makes me want another one... No, wait, on second thought...

Birth story part 2 with slight redactions to correct information :)

Noah Lincoln Eule

Born 8/8/11 at 1:25 am
8lbs 2oz c-section after 25 hours of labor

All vitals are good, but his blood sugar was on the low side. His umbilical somehow managed to get tied in a knot, which can be life threatening, and was not discovered until the c-section.

He was taken to a watch area where they got an IV in him. Its 3:30 in the morning now, it took about 45 minutes for them to be successful. They could not find a vein. Ended up putting it into the top of his head. Everything looks good now and we are just waiting on the blood sugar test to come back in about 20 more minutes after the IV push. If he does not require another push and his blood sugar starts to rise they will give him some doses of formula to spike it some more before allowing breast feeding.....speaking of which Cara is probably knocked out by now.

She is a few floors down in recovery. She had the shakes pretty bad from a side effect of the epidural.They gave her some Demerol to control that. She is still numb, last I talked to here about 45 minutes ago so they are not going to release her for a while. I am sure she is sleeping by now anyways.

Once I check to see that Noah's blood sugar is going up, I am going to try to get a little sleep myself while they are feeding him over the next couple hours. Other than that, all his signs are very good and he is healthy and is looking around and sticking out his tongue. He gave me a few high fives right when I first met him and barely made a peep through all his pokes and prods. Looks like we might have another easy kid....


Update...just went to check on the status...the blood sugar jumped back to normal so he is going to be just fine now. After he gets his little nightcap of formula he is going to sleep it off. Sounds like a good idea, I will try that also.




11 a.m.
Noah just got delivered to our room about 1/2 hour ago. After the low blood sugar incident was fixed, he ended up having a drop in temperature. So they wanted to keep him in observation and treat him. They started an antibiotic treatment and then ran some other tests. The blood culture test will still be a bunch of hours away from getting results but the Complete blood count test came back good so he was moved over to the regular nursery and cleaned up. They told us they feel confident everything is fine, but it is procedure.

They are still going to continue the antibiotic treatment because they started it so he still has his IV in for the mean time. Cara is lively now with just a little bit of pain. Noah is sleeping it all off and is getting settled into being in Cara's arms. She is happy...it was an emotional night for her. She did not get to hold the baby until now.

So the anxiety is slowly melting away because it seems like all the hurdles have been jumped through and we are on the home stretch. We are just waiting on him being able to latch on and breast feed which will be his first attempt here pretty soon. He got a big dose of formula before being released to us by the nursery.

Pictures will be coming soon once I get chance to upload. This network is very slow. Cara posted one on her face book account earlier though.

Noah's birth story

I'd had the 6th of August picked as my "guess date" for Noah's arrival, with my other two guesses the 8th and the 16th. On the 6th, I got up in the morning and went to a prenatal/hatha yoga class, as I'd been feeling the urge to do yoga for some mental centering and also to maybe position him correctly. I accomplished both of these, as I left feeling refreshed and with him turned from an OP to what felt like an ROA position! I'd even felt him make the move during class and swing his back around.

Later that day we went to my in-laws' for my nephew's 8th birthday party. We had a great time swimming and relaxing, though I had this nagging fear of my water breaking in my father in law's pool and him never swimming again. I didn't have a single contraction all day. When we got home, during the late afternoon, Nathan and I both took naps. I woke up around 7:30 still feeling groggy, unrested, and just kind of blah. Jason took care of Nathan's needs and I relaxed. Eventually I headed to bed at about 10 p.m.

At midnight, I felt a tiny trickle and thought the baby kicked my bladder so I'd better go pee. Then- gush- whoa, my water broke! I said as much to Jason and he popped right up. Then, another gush, gush, gush. I started to tell him to bring me a waterproof pad, no, a towel, no, just come help me get to the bathroom. I was just a little thrown off! The funny thing was that the last thing I thought before I went to bed was that I should put down a waterproof pad just in case. I called my midwife and doula, and began to have mild contractions 7 minutes or so apart. Both Rhonda and Kaleen said to call them in the morning, or sooner if things picked up. I also called my mom and Jason called his parents. We decided to take Nathan and Jada over to my in-laws' before things got more intense, so we did that and got back home around 1:30.

When we got home, Jason went to sleep, but I couldn't lie down during the contractions so I went to the family room. The best way to deal with them was to sit on the footstool of my glider and then lean over an exercise ball propped on the coffee table, so I did that for most of the night. I called Kaleen and Rhonda around 7 and things were still pretty slow, as I was getting significant breaks between contractions. I was listening to my hypnobabies tracks the whole time and just listening to the visualizations and affirmations. I imagined blowing toward my stomach and blowing the contraction away, and it worked. I felt very encouraged. The original plan was for Rhonda to come over and labor with me, but the way timing turned out, Kaleen came over at 10 and stayed with me from then until the very end. She wanted to get me into a good pattern of labor, so we tried some mild herbs, pumping, and lots of position changes. They started getting closer together, too. She checked me and I was bummed to hear only 2 but mostly effaced. More position changes, including lots of reclining and abdominal lift and tucks- he had come so far out of OP that he was too far out to put the right pressure downwards in my pelvis!

At lunchtime, we sent Jason to Toojay's to get sandwiches, and I told Kaleen that this point had actually been part of my birth visualization plan :) I knew eating something heavy like that might be a mistake later, but it sounded SO good. We continued changing positions and even went for a very short very slow walk. By this point, I had to lean on Jason during a contraction, because I couldn't just stand through them. They were definitely more intense and I think by this point I was feeling them differently and vocalizing a little through them, especially saying "peace" and "open" over and over. I asked Kaleen if the contractions were going to stay this way for the rest of labor, and she said probably. I thought maybe I was farther along than I thought, though in the back of my mind I knew it probably was not a very big number. After coming back inside for a while, Kaleen suggested that I get in the shower for a little while. Well, I hated the feeling of the shower, so I got out pretty quickly. Jason suggested that we head to the hospital, and I told Kaleen that I wanted to but I was afraid that I would give in to the epidural right when we got there. She asked if I wanted her to check me first, and I said no because the number was going to be the same regardless and we intended to go to the hospital either way. So off we went. Time was pretty much in warp mode all day, but I think this was about 3 p.m.

Kaleen had called me in already, but we still had to wait in admitting for a few contractions and then in the lobby area of the L&D floor. I honestly didn't care too much, I was still listening to my ipod and vocalizing as I needed to. We got into a room, and Jason immediately looked and found that there was no tub. Kaleen cleared this up immediately and had me walk around the corner to a different vacant room. We filled the tub and guess what? First it was too hot, then when I finally did get in, I hated that too :( Boo. Sometime around this point my mom had arrived too. There was a cervical dilation picture on the wall and I told Jason to cover it up because I didn't want to see it. Everyone found that amusing. By this point I was not on top of anything. I was not in a state of awesome blissful self-hypnosis. I was not avoiding the word "pain" anymore. I, at this point, was begging for an epidural. Jason, amazingly and awesomely, was the first person to tell me no, contrary to last pregnancy when he encouraged me to get it even though I had wanted to go natural then. My mom and Kaleen both told me no way. Kaleen checked me and I was only at a 4! Nooooooo! How could it be this bad and this was only just barely active labor? I said that physically I could do it, but mentally there was no way. Kaleen said this was all the more reason to push through it, that it was just a mental challenge. Finally they (mom, Kaleen, Jason) suggested that I talk to anesthesia and do the consents so that everything would be ready if I DID go through with it, and I said okay. Every contraction after that, I would ask in between where the interview people were. By the time they arrived, I just wanted to go straight to the epidural. I verbalized that I understood I would be giving up mobility, but also that I needed a break and maybe the epidural would allow my body to work since I was fighting myself with every contraction. Also, I had been feeling "pushy," as I did in my first labor, even though we knew I wasn't dilated, so I could potentially swell or even injure my cervix by pushing against myself.

Getting the epidural was pretty much the easiest part of labor. It was a little more uncomfortable than I remember, but it's like having the end of a race in sight. I believe as I was getting it or right before that Jason took video of me saying yes, I changed my mind, I did want it, and also confirming that he did try to talk me out of it- for later exoneration if needed, I suppose. This was maybe around 6:45 or so. After I got the epidural, Kaleen checked me and I was progressing, the baby was even coming down some. She left to take a sleep break and round on some other patients, and I just hung out in bed, still visualizing "open, open, open" every time I had a contraction. The contractions continued slow and steady. When Kaleen came back, she put in a IUPC to better see the contractions. She checked me and I believe at this point I was 5-6! I was moving in the right direction and was now more dilated than I ever got in my last labor. Over the next hour or maybe two, the baby had a few decels that were not great signs, and also I was having a little more blood than usual, which made me nervous. We decided if there were any more decels and/or I didn't make any more progress in the near future, that we would call it. I said that I did NOT want to end up in an emergency c-section situation. After that, things stabilized, and then I started to feel really nauseous/refluxy. I had a small emesis bin, ready to throw up some cherry popsicles, but after about 20 minutes I threw up... My corned beef sandwich! It made a huge nasty mess. Yuck. But, after that I felt much better. At the next check, I believe I was 8-9. They kept asking me if I felt different or felt any pressure. I didn't think so. Mentally, I started to prepare for getting my VBAC even with an epidural. At my next check, around midnight, I had swelled down to a 7. His head was not molding, and the swelling was a sign that he wasn't going to fit into the pelvic inlet. We all felt a little wishy washy, but at the same time knew it was the right call. I actually think I felt more okay about it than Kaleen- she really wanted me to have my VBAC! I told her that what I really wanted was to be given a true chance to VBAC, and I felt like I'd gotten that. Further, Noah and I would have the physiological benefits of labor.

She called the surgeon (incidentally, her backup surgeon was away, so we got HIS backup, who neither of us had ever met) and we started prepping for the OR. Jason had planned to accompany this time, but at the last minute, changed his mind and opted to wait in the room while my mom went with me. They wheeled me into the OR, gave me an assortment of meds, draped me, and then brought my mom in. I was a little nervous during the surgery, because I felt like I was going to faint, and also because it sounded to me like I was bleeding too much. When they got the baby out, I didn't hear him crying, but I just stayed calm and waited. It turned out that his first Apgar was 5, and they had to suction/bag him to get him going, but once they did his second score was a solid 9. They brought him over to me, my mom took some pics, and then he went off to meet Jason in recovery while they finished up with me. I was pretty loopy in recovery, but I remember Kaleen working at getting him latched. Just then, they came over to heel stick him for glucose... He had failed his first test :( Rest of story to be continued in a different post (Jason's emails to family)...