CEO to CFO (Chief Family Officer)

I got this quote in my google reader yesterday and it seemed apropos: 

“Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love.”

Mildred B. Vermont

This past week, after a month of agonizing debate, thought, and playing with the budget, I put in notice at my job. The word job is probably a misnomer, and putting in notice should probably be written more like "filed divorce papers." I had been with this organization for just over four and a half years and had seen it through planning, building, opening, nearly folding, and merging with a much larger organization. Much of the work I did there was at the cost of family time and mental/emotional energies. Being always on call took a big toll on both me and my relationship with Jason. The many times I told him I was leaving the office "in a second" left me a liar and him resentful. I went back to the office beginning 3 weeks post c-section after Nathan and have never REALLY forgiven myself for it.

I would come home stressed, angry, worried about the 25 or so families I was responsible for, etc. The commute was almost an hour each way (more if I had to go pick up Nathan). It just never ended. The only vacations I truly enjoyed were ones where we went on a cruise and I didn't have cell or email access. Yes, the money was great, but the "price" I paid was great as well. 

I give all the above information to say that despite my fears about being a "stay at home mom," fears about my budget, and fears of boredom, I will be spending the next 8 months without a "real job." I'll be pursuing consulting to a limited extent so that I can still feel productive, like I'm helping others, and make a bit of money on the side, but my primary job will be caring for my family. And here's the crazy thing: I'm reaping the benefits already! Not only do I feel 10 pounds lighter, but Jason has noticeably responded already (shhhh, this is a massive secret!)- He's actually holding my hand, being very affectionate, thoughtful, etc. The countless fights over his lack of affection towards me- evaporated. How ironic!

I still plan to attend nursing school in May, the beginning of a long term shift to family first (I/we had no intent of me staying home indefinitely, the timing just worked out because I had planned to leave my job for school anyways). So stay tuned for a different sort of blog, as I deal with new and different kinds of challenges! :)

3 (almost 4) weeks

My google calendar tasks list has gone from looking something like this:

- finish Bank of America grant app

- write Board email

- update resident handbook

to looking more like this:

- laundry

- dishes

- update mint.com

This is neither a positive nor a negative, just a stark contrast between my two lives. At this point in Nathan's life (3 weeks), I was headed back to the office a few days a week. Now, I'm just barely a third of the way through my planned maternity leave!

Nathan's been pretty interested in the whole breastfeeding process, including pumping (mommy's milk machine, he calls it), and so yesterday I taught him that making milk for baby Noah is mommy's special superpower. Maybe not 100% aboveboard, but I couldn't resist!

We continue to do battle over pooping on the potty. Yesterday, when Nathan told me he had to go, I tried to take a different (ok, slightly callous) approach. I stripped off his shorts and diaper and took him to the bathroom. Where he cried and screamed and didn't go for 20 minutes. I promised him ANYTHING he wanted (his requests were to go to the midwife's office and to the hospital, how weird is that??) but he still wouldn't go. I finally relented and gave him a diaper, and he went in that. Sigh. We are getting close to the days where we're just going to hang out in the backyard with no diaper all day until he gets the hang of it. As soon as my physical strength, intestinal fortitude, and the weather allow...

Update

Wow, I can't believe so much time has passed since I last updated! I guess we have been busy finding our groove. Today is what I consider my first day at home alone with both boys (i.e. my mom went back to South Florida and Jason's at work, so I'm technically a SAHM for the day). So far today, we have done a cooking project (baked pretzels), colored outside with sidewalk chalk, eaten lunch, and now both boys are napping. Hooray!

Tomorrow starts our first Kindermusik class (Nathan and I, Noah will attend but only as a bystander, obviously). I wanted to try and do some fun, structured, and social stuff while I'm home so that we can get out of the house and Nathan can still get some stimulation. I'm trying hard to put everything on the calendar and make sure I have a to-do list to check off each day so that I don't get bored, and projects in the "bull pen" so that Nathan doesn't get bored either.

Recovery from surgery continues to be a slow road, much more so than after I had Nathan, for whatever reason. I don't think I could handle another c-section, honestly (nor do I think I could handle three kids, for that matter!). Which brings me to the latest internal struggle. Jason has said he's definitely done at two kids, and I think for the most part I am too, I'm just having trouble coming to terms with being done having children. As much of a feminist and career woman as I am, I apparently have a lot of my identity tied up in one organ of my body, and it makes me sad to think of being done having children. Even though this last pregnancy was a little tough, and the recovery even tougher. Even though in order to give our kids everything we want to financially, we should stop at two. Even though I'm ready to move on to the next phase in life- kids growing older and becoming more independent, etc.

I've always thought the whole thing was kind of weird. You spend most of your adult life trying not to get pregnant. Then, you do a 180 and do nothing but try to get pregnant. After you have your first child, you enter the no-man's land of how far apart to space kids, how many do you want, how old your eggs are, and so on. Now, after the second child, it looks as though we're entering some new phase where we're just waiting for the kids to get older, looking towards school and no more diapers. I guess it makes me feel sort of middle-aged. Boo for that.

I'm trying to enjoy every moment and take in the newborn-ness, knowing it'll probably be the last. I'm getting rid of all my maternity clothes and baby clothes as Noah grows out of them, which is helping me make the adjustment to this mode mentally (it doesn't hurt that our house has limited storage, so I'm looking forward to having more room for other stuff).

Noah is doing well, we had him at the doctor yesterday and he is already up to 9 lbs. 9 oz., up from 8 lbs. 13 oz. just a week ago. He's more and more alert each day, and has fallen into a fairly predictable eat/sleep/poop pattern. He continues to be my mellow child, barely any crying, calms as soon as his needs are met, etc. Pics will be up on FB tomorrow!

Progress

I'm better now! The fever passed after a few days and no one else in the house got sick. I was still pretty nervous about it being an incision infection, but I guess all is well.

Circumcision

Yesterday was Noah's circ, a balancing act of near historic proportions, since Jason was at work. My mom and I took both kids to the ped office- she stayed out front with Nathan while I went back with Noah. This would have been okay except for the fact that Nathan was overtired, and then on top of that it started pouring so we had to stay in the office an extra 15 minutes (felt like hours) while we waited for it to pass. The procedure went fine, and Noah is up to 8 lbs 6 oz (from 7 7 last Thursday and 8 3 at birth). With Nathan's circumcision, the 24 hours following the procedure were pretty hellish. He was screaming, pooping, needing his gauze changed, and leaking out of the diaper. This time, I researched caring for the wound and found this site. This method of gauze application is MUCH better. Noah's response has also been totally different (more on this later). Whereas Nathan was a screaming wreck, Noah has taken it all in stride, quietly bearing the pain and just asking to be snuggled and nursed a little more than usual.

Nursing

Things are going really well in this department, another example of how two kids from the same gene pool can be as different as night and day. Noah is an easy latcher and quick and efficient eater. He'll nurse more in the day and every four hours or so at night, which is fine with me. I pretty much quit pumping a few days ago, because really what's the point? I'm planning to just pump one extra bottle every day or so to build up a supply for when he eventually goes to my mom's for the day and/or when I go back to work.

Changes

Yesterday Noah was having a growth spurt, nursing more frequently, sleeping, etc. Today he's a different baby! I notice that today (incidentally one day after his "due date") he is much more alert, looks at toys, stays awake longer, and makes better eye contact. It's so neat to watch the milestones already!

Personalities

I have been absolutely fascinated by the personality differences between Noah and Nathan, even at their young ages. I always thought Nathan was pretty low maintenance, until I met Noah. Now I realize that Nathan is a mini-me and Noah a mini-Jason. Here's a few distinctions:

Nathan:

goes from 1 to 11 on the temper scale in 2 seconds (me)

emotional, wears his heart on his sleeve (me)

organized, to a fault (me)

always hot (Jason)

doesn't like physical affection (Jason)

Nurturer (me)

Noah:

mellow personality, if he's hungry he'll just grunt rather than go to an all out I'M STARVING scream (Jason)

cold hands and feet (me)

internalizes pain or concerns rather than letting it out (Jason)

I don't THINK I'm anthropomorphizing Noah, I feel like these are pretty accurate observations. Time will tell I guess!

Struggle

So, I'm sick :( Not only do I rarely get sick, but I'm in no physical or emotional state to be sick right now. Last night around 6 I felt a little feverish, so I took my temp and it was right at 100.5. Half an hour later it was at 101.8. So many fears are running through my mind- am I contagious? Do I have an infection? Does Noah feel warm? I am unprepared for this! All I want to do is feel better and spend endless hours snuggling with my newest addition. Thank god I have had so much help from my parents, and I'm now on antibiotics that will hopefully knock whatever this is out and return me to good health and good spirits (incidentally, another fear is the abx passing into Noah's milk- will it be ok for him?).

I think I am especially sensitive because of what happened right after Noah was born. with Nathan, he stayed with me from the PACU onward, but Noah was whisked away due to the low blood sugar and though you've read that story from Jason's perspective, I have not shared mine. Literally minutes after going into the PACU and getting a brief moment with Noah, he was taken to the nursery to address his blood sugar level. I had to stay extra time in the PACU due to spiking a fever and having the shakes really bad. I think I got up to the mother baby unit around 4:00 or 4:30 and they refused to let me see Noah. I couldn't go to him in the nursery until I could get into a wheelchair, and he was not allowed to leave the nursery. Basically, after his sugar stabilized, he had trouble maintaining his temperature. I asked to go in to do skin to skin and was told no, due to the above reasons. I asked if Jason could go in to do skin to skin and was told that it would have to be approved by the ped. I was just heartbroken a) that I couldn't see him right away and b) that he was by himself in a nursery, lying on a hard bed. They told me he might not be cleared until the afternoon, and at that moment, as they say, I lost my shit. I called my mom in tears. I got ready to call my ped to override this stupidity. Luckily, he ended up coming in earlier than that, but I was a very unhappy person.

Back to my original point. I don't like not being able to attend to his needs 100% or snuggle him because I myself desperately need a nap, to the point where my body has been periodically shutting itself down and taking sleep as it needs it to heal. I hope this passes soon.

Nathan's first week

Well, it's been a week at midnight since Nathan's little world was turned upside down, beginning with being woken up in the middle of the night to go to to Grandma Lynn's for a sleepover and culminating with bringing this little person, Noah, home for good. For the most part (and being that he's only two and a half), he's handled everything rather well! He is intensely proud of his big brother status and will say things like "ohhh, you're so cute," or when company comes over "come see baby Noah's room!" Noah doesn't cry much, so that is good for his likability factor from Nathan's perspective. At first Nathan was a little scared of my owie and also standoffish with me, telling me "no high fives, no nose kisses, no hugs" but luckily the embargo has ended and he's back to loving on me- at least as much as he did before, lol.

He was also very wired the first few days, he couldn't focus or do projects like he normally does, but now he has settled down. I have been spending time with him when the baby sleeps and we're doing special projects together, especially cooking, when we can. Jason takes him out on errands so they can have "special Daddy Nathan time" and though he exhibited a bit of separation anxiety leaving Jason and me at the house at first, he's also gone out with my parents a bit. Today I would say was his first "mostly normal" day.

His little antics continue, here are a few of just the most recent:

- He has a stuffed baby giraffe that came with balloons that my aunt sent. It started off with needing to put a diaper (and even requesting a wipe and telling the giraffe "legs up! legs down!") and progressed to needing to feed the baby giraffe milk (I gave him a bottle we don't use and told him to fill it with special giraffe milk, a carton of milk from his play kitchen). Well, today, he wanted milk for the giraffe's bottle and refused to get the milk "I want the milk from MOMMY's fridge!" He went to our fridge and started saying to himself "I can't open it! It's too heavy!" One of us tried to give him the carton of play milk and he told us "NO, it's no RE-ALL!" Silly us, we were trying to feed the giraffe fake milk.

- Last night I asked him "Can you get me the blue pillow (boppy) and he replied "mommy, what's the magic word??" Guess that manners thing is working a little too well.

As for Noah, he is doing well. He is very mellow and sleeps a lot so far. He sleeps for 4 hour stretches at night, which is so beyond awesome that I can't even say. He is a little snuggler that is built like Jason but has cold feet and hands like me. Whereas Nathan would go from zero to ten in a second, like me, Noah is slower to get worked up and will ask nicely for a long time before getting agitated. It's so funny to see personality differences even at this young age! Almost makes me want another one... No, wait, on second thought...

Birth story part 2 with slight redactions to correct information :)

Noah Lincoln Eule

Born 8/8/11 at 1:25 am
8lbs 2oz c-section after 25 hours of labor

All vitals are good, but his blood sugar was on the low side. His umbilical somehow managed to get tied in a knot, which can be life threatening, and was not discovered until the c-section.

He was taken to a watch area where they got an IV in him. Its 3:30 in the morning now, it took about 45 minutes for them to be successful. They could not find a vein. Ended up putting it into the top of his head. Everything looks good now and we are just waiting on the blood sugar test to come back in about 20 more minutes after the IV push. If he does not require another push and his blood sugar starts to rise they will give him some doses of formula to spike it some more before allowing breast feeding.....speaking of which Cara is probably knocked out by now.

She is a few floors down in recovery. She had the shakes pretty bad from a side effect of the epidural.They gave her some Demerol to control that. She is still numb, last I talked to here about 45 minutes ago so they are not going to release her for a while. I am sure she is sleeping by now anyways.

Once I check to see that Noah's blood sugar is going up, I am going to try to get a little sleep myself while they are feeding him over the next couple hours. Other than that, all his signs are very good and he is healthy and is looking around and sticking out his tongue. He gave me a few high fives right when I first met him and barely made a peep through all his pokes and prods. Looks like we might have another easy kid....


Update...just went to check on the status...the blood sugar jumped back to normal so he is going to be just fine now. After he gets his little nightcap of formula he is going to sleep it off. Sounds like a good idea, I will try that also.




11 a.m.
Noah just got delivered to our room about 1/2 hour ago. After the low blood sugar incident was fixed, he ended up having a drop in temperature. So they wanted to keep him in observation and treat him. They started an antibiotic treatment and then ran some other tests. The blood culture test will still be a bunch of hours away from getting results but the Complete blood count test came back good so he was moved over to the regular nursery and cleaned up. They told us they feel confident everything is fine, but it is procedure.

They are still going to continue the antibiotic treatment because they started it so he still has his IV in for the mean time. Cara is lively now with just a little bit of pain. Noah is sleeping it all off and is getting settled into being in Cara's arms. She is happy...it was an emotional night for her. She did not get to hold the baby until now.

So the anxiety is slowly melting away because it seems like all the hurdles have been jumped through and we are on the home stretch. We are just waiting on him being able to latch on and breast feed which will be his first attempt here pretty soon. He got a big dose of formula before being released to us by the nursery.

Pictures will be coming soon once I get chance to upload. This network is very slow. Cara posted one on her face book account earlier though.